Dun Wanna Be a Lady-The Story of the Trebond Twins
by Alanna the Lioness
Summary: Yeppers, you guessed it! I thought I'd do a story on Alanna and Thom this time! Ever wondered how the whole story of the banishing of Lady Catherine happened, or the cherry tarts? Or that Alanna kicks her slippers daily into a meadow because they're too h
1. The Arrival

^*^Dun Wanna Be a Lady (I'm Just a Girl)^*^

^*^Dun Wanna Be a Lady (I'm Just a Girl)^*^

/By 'lanna the Lioness\

A/N: YAAAAAAAAYYY!!!! *screams* Yayayayayayay!!!!!!!! *bounces around* PERFECT SCORE ON MY WORLD HISTORY EXAM, **_and_** it's LABOR DAY WEEKEND!!!!! *squeals* Last night, I was pretty pissed when I read that someone called me a 'pervert' and a 'sick jerk'. I was planning to post a nasty story today, but since I'm in a good mood now, I'll save that for some other time. Hehe. This was really fun to write, cos I got to 'invent' Alanna as a kid.

*stops, then begs* Pweeeeeeeeeeeeease visit my sucky Tortall site!!!! Pwease? Go here…. [http://www.geocities.com/ladyalanna2000/frames.html][1] And sign up for the RPG and do the debatiiiieeeesssss!!!! Pwease? Pwease oh pwease oh pwease oh pwease *jumps up and down*. (It t'ain't finished yet, but you can do SOME stuff.) An' if you wanna see Emelan, go here…. [http://www.geocities.com/ladysandry2000][2] . Not mine, but mah frennies designed it!

DISCLAIMER: THE CHARACTERS ARE NOT MINE. ('Cept for Loraine.) NEITHER IS THE SONG, "Just a Girl" By No Doubt….which will appear later in the story.

AHEM. Here we go. Mwahahaha. ^..^

/*~*\

6-year-old Thom of Trebond flattened himself against the trunk of a tree, his violet eyes peering around curiously. He looked sharply around for any kind of movement, his breathing slow and quieted. He had lost before….he would succeed this time.

"When I'm a great sorcerer, no one will escape **_me_**," he said softly. "I'll be the greatest sorcerer in the land. I'll help ladies and duel evil mages. I'll live at the palace and never have to lift a sword again. I'll-"

"WHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" the shriek was uttered from above. Thom looked up, but it was too late to escape the blue-and-copper blur that dropped from the tree. Within seconds, his sister Alanna lay on top of him, giggling.

"'lanna!" wailed Thom. "You cheated!" 

She rubbed his copper locks, mussing them. "You lost again, brother!" she shouted gleefully. "I won! Now **_you_** have to hide from **_me_**!"

"Aw, 'lanna!" He protested. He pushed his sister off of him and began to tickle her. She giggled helplessly, trying to shove his hands away. Instead, she placed her hands on his neck and brought him closer for a hug. He held his little twin tenderly, stroking her long copper hair; so much like his, except for the length; which she was to keep for the day she became a lady. Alanna hated being reminded of this, and he knew it. He also knew that there was no way he could become a sorcerer when all the young noble boys of his age were destined to be knights, not mages; surely Lord Alan would want his son out of his way as long as was possible, he thought glumly.

_And I'll have to say good-bye to 'lanna. How can I? She's the only one I've ever loved; the only one who's ever understood me; the only one who knows just how to duck me in the fishpond. What if she fell through the ice again, and I wasn't there to help her? _Tears welled up in his eyes, and his lower lip trembled slightly at the thought.

His gloom was interrupted as Alanna started tickling him back. Laughing, he pushed her off and seized a pile of sod, hurling it at his sister.

_Splort._

_ _

Alanna blinked, then looked down at her blue silk dress, which was now decorated with brown. Suddenly, a wide grin spread upon her face, and she scooped up a handful herself, throwing it back, giggling as it hit Thom squarely on the nose.

_"Children!"_

_ _

The two looked up, arms poised in mid-throw. There, on the pathway, was a middle-aged woman of medium height, her dark brown hair riddled with streaks of gray. Thom pouted and dropped his sod. Did Loraine **_always _**have to spoil all the fun?

"You are to return to the castle and change into something suitable. The Lady Catherine will be arriving any moment now, and I want you to be presentable." She said firmly, taking Alanna by the hand and gasping, recoiling as if she'd been bitten by a rat. "Goddess and Mithros! You, Lady Alanna, are filthy! What **_have _**you been doing? Romping around like some sort of…some sort of **_ruffian_**? Ladies do not play in the dirt, Alanna. A lady must learn to fear the dirt, and bathe daily, to keep her skin and appearance fresh."

"But I **_like _**the dirt, Loraine!" Alanna protested, yanking her arm back. "And I won't bathe," she declared firmly, looking Loraine in the eye. "I don't need to. I only need to change clothes. And you will leave me to do as I please; ruffian or no. I am not a Lady yet."

"Such impudence!" gasped Loraine, her fingers twitching with the urge to slap the child. "I'll have your father see to this, make no mistake! He'll see to it that that foul tongue of yours is whipped enough to silence you like a proper lady should be! And if that mother of yours had had any decency, she would've arranged for a governess for you before you were born!"

"How dare you speak ill of our mother?" Thom was livid, hatred burning in his eyes. "You'll not speak to my sister so, Loraine."

"Oh?" she whirled on the boy. "And what shall **_you _**do about it, **_Lord _**Thom?" she sneered.

"This." Alanna seized one of Loraine's arms, Thom the other. Together, they pushed her into the puddle of slop near the stream they'd been playing by and joined hands, running through the trees to the castle.

"**_Your father will hear of this_**!" screamed Loraine, glaring at them from the muck. The twins looked at one another and burst out laughing.

They laughed all the way to Castle Trebond.

/*~*\

"Where were ye?" Coram Smythesson, the man-at-arms at Trebond, looked at the twins suspiciously over his tankard. "Been up t' no good, eh?"

"Oh, no," Alanna said innocently. "Just playing by the stream."

"O' course," Coram said sarcastically, then looked around, frowning. "Where's Loraine? Didn't she come back with ye?"

"We pushed her in the mud," Thom said bluntly, his eyes sparkling. "She's still there."

"Good," Coram grunted. He took another swig of brandy before setting it down. "Keep her there. That woman is enough trouble to make the Gods' own ears hurt."

/*~*\

"What do you suppose father will say?" mused Thom when they were in Alanna's chamber, sitting on the bed.

"Nothing," shrugged Alanna. "He doesn't care about us anyway, after all."

"You're right," sighed Thom, putting an arm around his twin. "He doesn't."

They were silent for a moment, watching the sun sink between the evergreens through the window, the reddish-gold glow shining in their faces.

"This is pretty," Thom approved, his purple eyes regretful. "I don't have anything like this in **_my _**room."

Alanna's face lit up. "D'you really like it, Thom?" she asked eagerly, seizing his shoulders. "This is **_nothing_**." Her eyes sparkled. "I know the perfect place!"

Thom grinned at the enthusiasm on his sister's face. She was bound to be scolded terribly soon. He supposed this was the least he could grant her. "Show me," he whispered.

Not long after, two small children watched the sun set from the roof; their copper hair silhouetted against the amber sky. Alanna sighed as the late summer breeze ruffled her tresses and lay down on the roof, her arms folded behind her head as she watched the first stars get born in the evening sky.

"You never told me you did things like this," Thom looked disappointed. "If you had, I would've been up here every day, just to get out of my prison."

Alanna giggled. "Your room is not a prison," she argued, yanking off her satin slippers and kicking them, where they tumbled over the roof and landed in the valley below. She didn't look in the least regretful. Then she stood and pulled her dirtied dress over her head, tossing it under her through the window.

"'lanna!" gasped Thom. "What if someone sees you?"

"So?" snapped Alanna. "I've a petticoat slip on. These clothes have too many layers anyway! Loraine makes me wear **_everything_**!"

Thom stared as the horses that ran where her slippers had landed reared and ran across their endless bounds, their mane streaming orange and scarlet in the sunset. 

"Some day, I'll be as free as a horse," Alanna murmured, her eyes misty and thoughtful. "I'll run for as long as I please, and I'll do great deeds; be a hero. I'm going to be a warrior someday, Thom."

Thom knew it was fruitless to point out the unlikelihood of this, and he enjoyed the fantasizing. He grinned and lay back with her, snaking an arm around her shoulders. "I'll be a sorcerer. I'll learn spells and magic that are known throughout the kingdom. I'll be famous; a black-robed Master, and I'll be invincible!"

Alanna turned her head to look at him, her purple eyes serious. "You will be, too. I know you will." She squeezed his hand reassuringly.

A slight rustling of the gravel turned the twins' attention to the other side of the roof. Cautiously, they crawled to another tower and peered over the edge. A jewel-encrusted white marble carriage embedded with gold and drawn by three white stallions had crossed the Trebond drawbridge. Squinting, Alanna could make out the servants that had gathered below; heads bowed respectfully. An elegantly-dressed footman stepped from the carriage and held a hand to someone inside. On the door of the carriage was a crest of two silver swords crossed with a dragon between them--the Rendairr coat-of-arms.

"Oh no," moaned Thom, his eyes widening in dread. "It's **_her_**!"

Lady Catherine du Rendairr stepped from the carriage, her head held high; the cold blue eyes that so hated to see children underfoot darting around as she took in Trebond's surroundings. Then her red lips stretched into a graceful, faux smile as she curtseyed to Lord Alan. He took her hand and kissed it, while she fluttered her eyelashes.

Alanna crawled over to the tower by which they had come out and beckoned for Thom to follow. He silently slipped in after her, taking care to take Alanna's forgotten frock with him. Once they were inside, he handed it to her, and she slipped it on carelessly, not bothering to search for a more suitable dress. Dashing barefoot for the stairs, Alanna shrieked,

"Ill race you, Thom!"

"No cheating!" he protested, seeing her hop onto the banister and begin her 8-flight long slide. Grinning, he jumped on himself, speeding fast for the bottom. He could see his sister's billowing copper hair as she stayed a flight ahead of him, laughing. They passed a castle servant, causing her to start, drop the basket of linens she was holding and clutch her heart, gasping. She opened her eyes to see the twins waving at her cheerfully. Sighing and shaking her head, she recollected the bundles, a tiny smile on her face.

"I'm catching up to you, 'lanna!" laughed Thom as he got closer and closer. Alanna giggled and tried to go faster. She was nearing the bottom, and she would win. She had just let out a triumphant cry when the front door was opened and the castle's visitor stepped in, arm-in-arm with Lord Alan. 

…………Thom watched in horror as his sister sailed into the arms of a very flustered Lady Catherine.

/*~*\

Mwehaha. Do you like it so far? Tell me! ^_^

**A/N: To all the other Tamora Pierce/HP fans (Radella, GMG, etc.) _We are being watched. Mwahahaha. _MSN has its eyes on us. Go here [http://www.msnbc.com/news/621503.asp][3] . Ummmm…..and no, I do not write slash to those preparing to call me a sick pervert again. *WARNING WARNING* ThE aUtHoR iS gOiNg To LoSe HeR tEmPeR…..*glares at the flamers; smoke starts coming out of her ears* BLEEP! BLEEP! Self-destruction in 5 minutes and counting…..**

** **

**Yes, another chapter coming soon!**

** **

Remember… visit [http://www.geocities.com/ladyalanna2000][4] ….and PARTICIPATE in Tortall! Pwease make me happy!^_^ And don't sign up as a character already being played (read the rules)….I already have two Daines. *glowers*

** **

   [1]: http://www.geocities.com/ladyalanna2000/frames.html
   [2]: http://www.geocities.com/ladysandry2000
   [3]: http://www.msnbc.com/news/621503.asp
   [4]: http://www.geocities.com/ladyalanna2000



	2. Alan gets...umm....smushed

~*Dun Wanna Be a Lady*~  
+[[Alanna the Lioness]]+  
  
Agh. Back. And I'm in a good mood. For once. So don't take advantage of it, and give me nice, THOUGHTFUL reviews, please. ^_^  
  
My site's RPG is now in session. You can find it here. If you're not looking to RPG, at least donate some things...like fan art, fan fics, debate answers, whatever. I probably won't be eternally grateful, or your best friend forever, but I'll be happy. ^.^ Some people from here already RP on my site....thanks a mill!!  
  
And Lioness Alanna, I've a bone to pick with you. That pic on the entrance page to your site is mine. So link back to me: http://on.to/Tortall , or you can't keep it, because I don't have a graphics program; it was edited in Microsoft Paint, as were a bunch of my other graphics. I also have FlamingText.com to thank, and some background set designers. In other words, I want credit for it. It took up maybe 40 minutes to get it just right!!! ::destroys her Microsoft Paint::  
  
This chapter may sound pretty bad. That's what happens when you haul yourself out of bed and look like you crawled from the grave.  
  
OK. Back to mah story.  
  
+[[*]]+  
  
Lady Catherine caught her goddaughter, startled. Alanna grinned innocently as Catherine's eyes darted down to her now soiled dress, where Alanna had landed. Mud was smeared all over the bodice of the Lady's dress.  
  
Catherine's face darkened. Quickly, Coram darted forward and seized his charge, carrying Alanna out of harm's way. Thom scurried after them, not wanting to be around Catherine when she blew.  
  
The servants scattered, bringing the aids that were kept in the castle just for Catherine's visits.  
  
"Mmf." Said Catherine, her blue eyes bulging. Alanna giggled. She looked like a fly.  
  
A strangled noise erupted from Catherine's throat. She opened her mouth and let out a ghastly yell. With a roar of rage, she swung at the manservant that held her. He fell, clutching his left eye.  
  
"YYYAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!" screamed Catherine, diving for a maid and seizing the girl's shoulders, shaking her violently. Loraine ran over to the ailing woman and yanked her from the Lady's grasp. In her other hand, she clutched an overlarge fan. She brought it up and down through the air frantically, trying to cool Catherine down. In response, Catherine seized the fan and brought the hilt end down on Loraine's head.  
  
"Wow!" Thom said in amazement.  
  
The instant the boy said this, he regretted it. Catherine, who now resembled a bull (a remarkable feat, for so slim a woman), turned and charged.  
  
"Nasty little beast!" she shrieked, running straight for him.  
  
With a yelp, Alanna seized her brother's hand and dragged him out of the way. Lord Alan ran after Catherine, looking to restrain her before she destroyed the whole castle.  
  
"Devil's-spawn!" she roared, spittle flying from her mouth. The twins stared back at her, not quite sure which one of them she was talking to. "Gods-damned pieces of horse shit!" Servants, cooks, and small animals that had found their way into the castle ran out of the madwoman's path.  
  
She followed the twins into Lord Alan's study, where they had run into. Sneering, she backed them into a corner, one fist raised.  
  
"I order you to leave my study! I have some important documents stored in there! Catherine!" His guest didn't seem to hear. "Catherine!" snapped Lord Alan. He seized the woman's wrist, glaring. "We will order your dress repaired!"  
  
"Now!" whispered Thom. He and Alanna shoved Alan's desk with all their might. Catherine shrieked and dodged it, dragging the man with her. Unfortunately, she was not fast enough.  
  
The corner of the polished wood desk slammed Alan in his manhood. His face twisted in pain.  
  
"Oops," muttered Alanna, seizing Thom's hand and fleeing the room. Plunging through the crowd of chaos that was the Trebond front hall, they raced up the stairs back to Alanna's room, panting.  
  
The yell Alan let out was far worse than any Catherine had issued. In a way, the twins felt ashamed. Their father had never done anything for them, but they didn't hate him, exactly. The desk episode was just meant to pin the adults to the wall for a while, until Thom and Alanna could escape.  
  
"We're going to be in trouble," Thom sighed. "Let's give them some time to cool off for a while. Then maybe we won't get punished so bad."  
  
Alanna agreed. "I knew Catherine had...what was it?" she screwed up her small nose, trying to remember. "Nigh cud hessure?" Thom looked at her in confusion. "You know, when grown-ups lose their temper too much, and it hurts them after a while?"  
  
"Oh. You mean high blood pressure?" Thom smirked. "'Nigh cud hessure'." He began to giggle.  
  
Alanna socked him in the stomach, scowling. "Be quiet. Or I'll throw you in the cow pasture."  
  
Thom rubbed the area where his sister hit him. "Ouch," he whined. "That hurt, 'lanna!"  
  
"Then don't be a prat." She retorted, going to her window and staring out below. Thom followed her gaze and saw the wild horses below.  
  
"Let's go riding," she invited.  
  
Thom stared at her. "RIDING?!" he demanded, staring down at the scene below. "'lanna, you can't ride one of those things!"  
  
"Why not?" she asked tartly, her chin thrust out stubbornly. "I could do it."  
  
"'lanna, those horses are wild!" he protested. "You'd fall!"  
  
She crossed her small arms and stamped a foot. "Just because I'm a girl, it doesn't mean I can't ride as well as you!"  
  
Thom sighed. "That's NOT what I MEANT!"  
  
She glared. "I even knocked you from the saddle once with a lance, remember?" She looked at him in exasperation. "Besides, I didn't mean one of those horses. I meant one of the horses from the stables."  
  
He relaxed a bit. "Okay," he replied. "But how'll we get outside without the grown-ups seeing?"  
  
Alanna shrugged, pointing to her open window.  
  
"You must be insane."  
  
She grinned. "It runs in the family, brother."  
  
He stared at her for a moment, then slowly, an impish grin spread across his face. "Race you!" He challenged, shoving her out of the way and jumping out the window.  
  
"Cheater!" she groaned, jumping after him. By the time she'd crawled to the edge of the roof, he'd already inched down the castle wall. He grinned wickedly.  
  
Alanna tugged her dress over her head once again. She stuck her tongue out at him, and took a dagger out of her sash. Coram had given it to her for hunting purposes, and it would come in handy now. With two careful slashes, she cut into her corset so she could move easier. Laughing, she jumped from the roof. Thom tried, and failed, to catch her, and instead, they ended up in a tangle on the ground. Alanna picked herself up off of him and sprinted towards the stables.  
  
"I get to ride Starlight this time!" she called back to him.  
  
Thom grinned. Then a thought struck him. He ran after her, yelling, "'lanna! Promise me something?"  
  
"What?" she didn't look back.  
  
"Don't ever try to ride a wild horse! I don't want you to kill yourself! You're the only person in the whole world that I love! Promise!"  
  
Alanna didn't seem to hear.  
  
A/N: Hmmm. A bit confusing at the beginning, right? Well, Catherine's favorite dress was ruined. And she has high blood pressure. So I made her throw a fit. ::smirks:: Slamming desks into people is fun. Dun worry, they'll do more stuff soon. They're just escaping reality for a while. (And the 'grown-ups' with nigh cud hessure.) They'll be back. I wouldn't be so cruel as to deprive you of the privileges of seeing their practical jokes.  
  
Until next time,  
Her Royal Zombiness,  
'lanna  
  
Want to know the reason why this chapter was cut short? Look below.  
  
Oooh. Wheee!!! Oh, what a be-YOO-tiful comment!!!! ::mocks person:: 'This is terrible. Fuck you.'  
  
Hear that, people? I can't make Jon go insane, because people say, 'Fuck you.' Wow. I mean, that just SO hurt me. ::clutches heart:: The pain. I'm pretty obscene myself, you arrogant jackass. But at least when I see people dissing Alanna, I don't cuss at them.  
  
Why don't you e-mail me, if you're so special? I've been looking to kick someone's ass. It looks like you've earned first prize. Don't mess with me.  
  
http://on.to/Tortall 


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